Never Seduce a Scot by Maya Banks: Book review

Drink with this: shot of Maker’s mark

Ersatz whisky for this faux Scottish historical romance. Even within the bourbon shelves this book would be in the cheap row at the bottom. It lacks the tingling warmth of Jack Daniels, let alone the buzz of oak-aged single malt.

What's what: 

I have no excuse for reading this, and I only have myself to blame for my lack of enjoyment. By all accounts Ms Banks is very well-respected in the historical romance community. But – I wanted trash yes, but I wanted the gourmet hot dog of the historical romance world, not the canned version! (Apologies for the analogy, I spent two hours waiting in line for this place last week and now need to make use of the experience however possible.)

I purchased this novel during a literary rampage through fiction set in Scotland. I envisaged it as a kind of low-rent Outlander. Sadly the plot, such as it was, soon left me longing for a nice, logical time travel romp spanning generations, invoking the power of standing stones and sparkly gems.

Never Seduce a Scot suffers greatly from its lack of any time travel or glittery jewellery whatsoever. Eveline, deaf-mute since a tragic fall from her trusty stead, is forced into a marriage with Graeme, the chieftain of a rival clan in 17^th century Scotland. Her family are anxious as they believe her to be sweet but brain-damaged, yet they are powerless to resist as this decree comes from the King.

Of course, eventually the couple find true love in each other’s arms and Eveline’s deafness is miraculously cured also, through the power of an attractive man’s voice!

On to the positive. It was nice to see a deaf-mute character in a historical novel. This premise was part of the draw for me, and it seemed realistic that those around her would struggle to understand her condition.

That said, her recovery was just one of the coincidences in the novel which strained the bounds of credulity. The story had the fatal flaw of both being too ridiculous in its plot contrivances and too dull at the same time. There was a distinct lack of conflict following the marriage of the protagonists and no real tension to sustain the plot.

                                                                                                                             

" 'I love you Eveline,' he whispered, though he knew she could not hear him. 'Somehow, I'll make you hear me and you'll know that I love you as fiercely as it's possible for a man to love a woman.' " pg 308 Never Seduce a Scot 

                                                                                                                            

Sadly there was also a major lack of swoon to act as compensation. For a romance novel this was far from steamy. Graeme was no Jamie (red-headed hero of Gabaldon’s Outlander series) and Eveline was a text-book Mary Sue, winning the hearts and minds of everyone she meets through simpering niceness and good looks alone.

Lastly, the initial draw for me, the Scottish setting, felt pretty tangential to the story. Clearly Banks wanted to exploit the sexy highlander trope but there was absolutely nothing here which characterised this as taking place in 17^th C Scotland except for a few token references to kilts and clans.

I get that this was designed to appeal to an international (cough American cough) audience, but would an aye here or a dinnae ken there have hurt?  

Maybe I’m the only reader who wanted a bit of realism along with the miracle healing and unsexy sex. But why can’t we have our romance tightly embraced by vigorous plotting and beautiful writing? 

Verdict: Much too silly even by its own standards. Fails to be entertaining, which is surely unforgivable for a fluffy romance.

On the big screen: Could work either as a deadly sincere made for TV movie which amps up the steamy glances and rain-swept hill shots, or as a 50s style melodrama, with more of the above plus some bonus symbolism.

Highbrow/lowbrow:  The cover says more than I ever could.  

The Fine Art of Truth or Dare by Melissa Jensen: Book review

Drink with this: Diet coke

Slightly too sweet and insipid. No alcoholic kick. Good for a quick caffeine and sweetener buzz but ultimately these are empty calories. 

What's what: 

Manic Pixie Dream girl fancies preppy rich guy, but almost sabotages their relationship due to her own self-loathing. Unfortunately this was a contemporary young-adult romance sadly lacking in the actual romance. 

A criticism levelled by many readers at this novel is that Ella is an irritating and insecure character. Her insecurity didn’t bother me as such, as this was a fairly crucial plot point. Nevertheless I would have liked to see more of a narrative arc going on with her character, with a bit more transition between a state of complete wet blanket-ism to Buffy style ass-kicking. (Not literally, one thing this book is entirely bereft of is any whiff of the supernatural.)

                                                                                                                            

" 'Are you freakin' kidding?' She loomed over me. 'Do you not understand the basic laws of nature? You are nothing. You do not exist.' " pg 333 The Fine Art of Truth or Dare 

                                                                                                                            

A common opinion in Goodreads reviews of the book is that her conversations with Edward, an artist who has been dead for over a hundred years, are more than a little creepy. I actually liked this aspect of the book – I found it believable that a mopey teenage girl would have a romantic fixation with a figure almost completely constructed in her imagination. Ridiculous crushes are a fundamental hallmark of being a teenage girl! This also develops the theme of truth in an interesting way, and the often idealised perception we have of others and their lives. I have to admit though that the Twilight parallels – Ella – dead Edward – unhealthy romance – completely passed me by until I read somebody else’s review, and now I’m finding this slightly sinister….

I really liked Ella’s friends and family, who were all well-drawn characters who added something to the story. Unfortunately this seemed slightly wasted effort on behalf of the author – I felt that a lot of the subplots involving them petered out towards the end. These characters at times seemed there more to add local colour than any real narrative significance. Frankie’s brother Danny falls into this category – I kept expecting him to feature further, and for his storyline to amount to something. When this never happened it definitely felt like the gun being ignored on the mantelpiece. Not that I object to a sexy bad boy with witty repartee, but still - why was he there at all?

The biggest failing in this likeable novel though has to be the relationship between the two lead characters. It just didn’t work. I had more of a sense of who Ella and Edward as a couple were than Ella and Alex. I understood intellectually Alex’s point of view at the book’s central crisis, but his smug behaviour didn’t particularly endear him to me a character. There was a distressing lack of swoon in the book, which sadly the sweet ending (SPOILER!) came too late to salvage.

                                                                                                                            

" 'I don't even know what okay would mean,' he said. 'Okay. We've never been okay. We've been kinda scrambling for it....But Jesus, Ella, I really don't want to feel like I have to constantly be reassuring you of things you should know for yourself.' " pg 353 The Fine Art of Trrth or Dare

                                                                                                                             

Verdict: Enjoyable enough but ultimately unsatisfying.

On the big screen: Could imagine it as a faux indie offbeat romance, in the style of Garden State etc. A screenplay would strip away all the extraneous material, and impose a stricter plot. Not sure if even attractive leads could inject enough chemistry to make this a believable romance though.

Highbrow/lowbrow:  Despite the art history allusions, comfortably lowbrow.